Scion of the White Tree
by Laryna6
Summary: Manga AU. After being utterly rejected by Shinji and ordered by SEELE to seek Lilith, Kaworu knew he would die that day. Wishing to be loved and remembered, the Twelfth Angel realizes that he has the First's power to create angels like those who loved their father enough to risk death by Lilim to be reunited with him. Lots and lots of angels. Kaworu/Shinji/Rei
1. Babies

_This was originally intended to be a_ This Alien Shore _oneshot, but it ended up too darn long. I also thought it ended up too silly to post, but the person I showed it to liked it and other people seemed interested, so here you go._

_The BABIES fic._

I_ actually was mostly through this fic before I started writing Colour 'verse, even though I'd had the bunny for Colour 'verse, thought that was something that could have resulted from that scenario, for a lot longer. Since I'm examining different possible interpretations of canon and the characters, this fic is a less depressing take on what it might mean that Kaworu is in fact an angel of a specific type. _

_Rather than calculated, malicious use of his powers because he hated the world (note that practically all he's experienced of the world in that version is SEELE – he doesn't encounter people who could have proved SEELE wrong because _he killed them first_), here it's stemming from Kaworu's real wish in the manga and going with the premise that he doesn't really know how to be a seed any more than he knows how to do the stuff like socializing and not going into women's bathrooms necessary to be a functional human. Because watching him blunder is endearing when Sadamoto isn't making it heartrendingly tragic._

_The chemicals the brain uses to reward healthy behaviors, or at least that's the idea, are not things to fuck with. Especially dopamine, which is what we use to want things. Too much of that stuff will basically make you psychotic. It's the neurochemical that bath salts fuck up. Seriously, that shit will make you crazy._

* * *

The transmission from SEELE ended, and Kaworu knew he had no more time.

Even after losing all the others, Shinji still refused to be his friend, and Kaworu would be dead before Shinji changed his mind, if the Lilim ever did.

He was going to die. Half his instincts cried out against that fact: he was a being meant to be eternal. That was what SEELE were counting on. Yet this body had been made with the DNA of the Lilim as well. He carried enough of the black seed in him to be able to realize that 'he' wasn't his body, or his soul. He was he himself, Kaworu, the 'I' that thought, and that self would be extinguished if he merged with Lilith as he was ordered.

If he did, he would die. If he didn't, they would kill him. There was no way for him to survive.

Even Lilith, the mortal black seed herself, had found a way to live on and he couldn't?

Kaworu clutched his chest as he dropped to one knee, kneeling on the statue and looking down at his reflection in the tainted water. Even though the new vessel of her soul didn't remember her previous self, Rei's memories were still present inside him. Her self, her goals, her love: he remembered them. At least some of her thoughts lived on. As parasites inside him, yes, but that was still _existence_. Not of the body that was SEELE's creation, not of the soul that belonged to another before him. Of the thoughts that were the _self_.

"To be remembered: is that the immortality of the Seed of Wisdom?" he asked quietly. They lacked the immortal bodies of the children of the white seed, but their self-awareness was far more than the rudimentary, instinct-driven angels. Armisael hadn't even been aware enough of herself to know that the feeling that drove her to reach Adam was loneliness.

Kaworu hadn't known what that feeling was either, not until Rei named it. Not until it forced tears from him. Even though his body was still half of the black seed, his soul was still that of the white. So he was only figuring this out now because of Lilith's influence. Because of Rei's thoughts.

He couldn't force them out: as long as he lived Rei's thoughts would live. Her love of Shinji would survive, in him. As much as he wanted to get rid of it because it hurt to want something that he couldn't have. That the Lilim was too much of a selfish bastard to give him.

What if he contaminated Shinji, the way Armisael contaminated him?

Shinji would be forced to recognize these feelings. Forced to remember Kaworu. A part of his self could live on with, within Shinji.

Oh, yes, he thought, the hand that had clutched at his shirt now tracing over the tightness in his chest. The part of him that wanted to touch and kiss, the part of him contaminated by this love, wanted that. Wanted it so much, to be with him. To live on, within Shinji's heart.

Yet Shinji would die, he knew. Even if Tabris died, the old men certainly wouldn't give up. He'd grown up at their mercy: he knew their implacable cruelty. Even if he did that, he would have so little time with Shinji. Perhaps no more than a handful of days, the way he had a handful of hours left to live now.

He, himself, as Kaworu, didn't especially care if he died. It was freedom, and it wasn't like this life was worth living at all. Especially now that he hurt because of Shinji and Rei.

It hurt.

It hurt so much he wanted to curl up around the pain he'd felt when Shinji had stood there in absolute rejection, and Kaworu could only let go of his shirt because the part of him that was Lilim wanted to crawl away and find somewhere to die.

That also sounded sweet, but the part of him that was a Seed of Life? It drove him to live.

An angry twist of his lips replaced the pained and lost look on the face reflected by the lake. Living? Letting the Lilim hurt him more? SEELE would send men to kill him. If Kaworu fought them then at some point he would have to use his AT field. Then Shinji would know what he was, and would see him as an enemy, think that all of Kaworu's feelings were fake and he was right to reject them. He would never love Kaworu then, so what was the point of living that way?

What was the point of living if it was nothing but pain? Even the old men agreed that there was no point in living the way Lilim did. Kaworu still hated them for inflicting that pain on others, when they should know how much it hurt.

But while he was alive, and thought to be a Lilim, then there was still hope that Shinji would return these feelings someday, right?

That _someone _would return these feelings, so the lonely ache in his chest would be filled.

Kaworu understood Armisael now, he truly did. He would do anything for this ache to stop, and when she thought that finding her father would…

Her father. She was Adam's child, who loved him enough to try to reach him. Wanted to cling together with him to end her loneliness. She hadn't wanted Kaworu, not when he wasn't really Adam, but what if, "What if…"

As soon as Kaworu framed the thought he shuddered, feelings flooding into him, instincts awakening. Yes. This was what Seeds were meant to do, of course! This was the purpose of his existence, this was what would fulfill him and give him what he wanted!

He did not exist to die, he existed to create life. He would have children, and they would love him, and not want him to die. He could touch them, hold them, and none of them would ever have to be lonely. Just thinking of it made him wrap his arms around himself, overflowing with joy at the thought of it, a light he could barely contain.

A light that could overflow, that could become a new light if he wanted.

Yes. Yes he did, he wanted it _so much. _

The light pooled in his cupped palms, the warm sticky feeling that was love flowing out of his chest and gathering there, and it made him tremble with anticipation. Yes, precious light made of love that would love him! He couldn't help the tears that fell, and even when he severed this light from his own, the light of joy inside him just continued to grow. He wasn't tired at all.

He could make _more_. More precious souls!

Red eyes gleamed, starting to glow with a manic light as the light in his hands took on physical form, first a white blob but then it grew eyes just like his. To see him with, to see its daddy with. It wanted to see him, know him, be with him, and Kaworu gathered it to his chest with one hand, making a fist with the other and slamming it down into the statue because he _could not contain this feeling_. These feelings, so many of them, old pain and anger rising now that he knew what he should have had all along.

When the statue shattered and dropped him into the water all he could do was laugh as his precious child grew gills in order to live, little clawed paws to hold on to him with, because this joy, there was so much that it would start hurting again if he didn't let out.

Yes. More life. More precious children, to love him as much as he wanted. He wanted them, _needed _them. Instead of cruel Lilim, instead of being _alone_, this. More of this.

The light of his soul, the light in his chest _would not be still_, and the part of him that was born of the black seed realized that this was why Seeds had to be sealed by the lances, because otherwise they would obey this drive to _create _and _create_.

The moment of fulfillment when he held a new child in his hands? There could be no greater bliss than that of creation, but then that love started to build up inside of him again, and it _hurt _if he didn't let it out.

They clung to him, when they were new, in order to soak up his love, but instead of feeling sad when his first-made started to dive and poke at rocks it made him smile, because the child was only able to leave him because he wasn't lonely. The child knew that it was loved, that it wasn't alone, and Kaworu had made the child feel that way. Kaworu was here when the child returned, still recognized it and loved it even now that there were more children, and oh, he couldn't die now, not when there were children that loved him. Children that wanted him to live.

He hadn't realized how much his despair and ennui had dimmed the light of his soul until the knowledge he was loved made it glow brighter and brighter, and that part of him that was Lilim, that was aware of more than his instincts and drives, began to grow a little frightened. This much power: it could tear him apart so easily. It _was _tearing him apart: the light that became the souls of his children was torn from that of his own soul, yet all he felt was joy that he had light and strength to give them.

He wanted to explode with it, to fill this world with his children, take it from the unworthy Lilim, but if he obeyed that instinct and made too many at once in order to fill this world then they would have weaker souls. They wouldn't be able to protect themselves from the Lilim. No: even if it meant he couldn't have as many children, he had to make them as strong as he could. Let the light inside him build up for as long as he could contain it before letting it out, so they would be strong.

Even though it hurt, it was worth it, he knew as his third grew longer in order to coil around him, made so happy by the light and presence of the one who gave it life. This love… feeling so much of it hurt so much, but oh, it was good and right and wonderful. This was, this was what he was for. A Seed of Life, not a Seed of Death.

They loved him.

He was _loved_.

* * *

"He's _making_ them?!" Misato's face paled, her fists clenching on the railing. Making more angels? Could they _do _that? Theoretically yes, angels had to come from somewhere.

The white giant…

Kaworu was kneeling on the back, or side, or something of an angel that seemed to consist of just a pale, furless body, a long neck that it grew in order to look at Kaworu and a head that looked vaguely foxlike. It kept shifting colors but for the moment its surface had settled on sort of a pale green. At least it had stopped growing larger. Not that size seemed to have anything to do with power: it wasn't the strongest among them, not even in the top three. The strongest was still Kaworu, who still looked deceptively human. Except for that glow.

He was glowing the same white as that giant, growing brighter and brighter. When he'd grown bright enough that light gathered in his palms, igniting another AT field, and he laughed with manic delight as his hair darkened to gray. That laugh… it didn't sound _sane_.

Above her, Fuyutsuki leaned over Gendo, quietly asking if this was in the scenario, if Gendo had any idea what they were going to do. How were they going to hold off this many angels already with only Shinji and Yui's Eva? Gendo had no answer for him, looking at the scene in his thoughtful pose, but Fuyutsuki could read him well enough to tell that no, this wasn't in the scenario, and Gendo was scrambling to think of some countermeasure, after the report on the angel's AT field strength revealed that all dropping N2 mines would do was remind the angel that NERV existed.

Gendo Ikari was part of the team that investigated Adam and set off Second Impact: he knew that a lance could subdue even an angel of this power, even _this _angel, but he'd already used the lance that imprisoned Lilith, the Lance of Longinius. Asking SEELE to let him have the other, the Lance of Cassius, after losing the first in defiance of their orders? The alternative was to dispatch the new Rei, but since Dr. Akagi had destroyed the others and was locked up at the moment, he no longer had the option of giving her a signal to have the magi fail so NERV's staff didn't see Rei's true nature or abilities.

Well. First he would see what Shinji, or rather what Yui, managed in the initial attack. Misato had gotten his approval to send Shinji out as soon as possible, after seeing that the angel was _making more_.

Katsuragi was obviously hoping that new meant stupid, that Shinji could kill them before they learned to use their AT fields.

Gendo wasn't ruling that out: angel or not, humans could be relied on to be fools. Still, after observing this angel's brief combat against Armisael, and knowing that it was trained by SEELE and the old men had almost certainly used it to create their own dummy plugs? If that angel had uploaded its own combat data and training into its creations, then the good news was that Shinji wouldn't be a dangerous enough opponent to be worth finishing off. So Yui's body should remain reasonably intact.

Misato was ordering Shinji to go after one that was a ways away from the others (yet not heading in the direction of NERV), and Shinji was relived to accept that order even though he should know that obviously he _would _be ordered to kill Kaworu Nagisa: this was only a temporary reprive.

This angel looked something like a ball of pale blue tissue paper floating in midair, made up of thin, translucent panels that matched the color of the sky. Was it attempting to camouflage itself as it bobbed there? The wind made by the Eva's massive arm as Shinji tried to thrust the prog knife into it knocked the angel away, sending it tumbling into what was left of a chimney. It shook the rooftiles off itself before it rose up.

"Watch out, Shinji!" Misato ordered as the angel moved towards him.

Shinji stood there with his knife at the ready: this was an angel, one of the things that killed Rei and did that to Asuka.

"The twelfth angel is heading towards Unit 01!"

"Now, Shinji!" Misato ordered. He had to kill this one now, before Kaworu got there!

Shinji struck.

This time, the knife was stopped by an AT field. As Shinji tried to cut through the field, putting all the force and will behind the knife that he could, he noticed that the color of it was like Kaworu's hair, and the angel was actually still moving _towards _the field and knife, as though it didn't even know that it was under attack and should keep its distance. So if this field wasn't this angel's, then Kaworu was protecting it?

Kaworu, the Kaworu who killed a kitten was protecting this baby fluffy-looking thing?

Envy mingled with the confusion and betrayal (Kaworu was an angel?) in Shinji's gut, and in that instant he felt something hit the side of his Eva and found himself hurtling through the air.

He must have hit the mountain that overlooked the lakeshore, but before Shinji could get to his knees and get his bearings, he heard Misato's cry of "Look out!" There really wasn't anything he could do at that point but cringe as something slammed into his Eva's knee. Shinji could just thank goodness it was the whatever it was that shattered, not his knee.

"Phew, we're lucky the concrete didn't hold up to the impact. Get up, Shinji! He's looking for something else to use!"

Shinji bit back an annoyed response: what did Misato _think _he was trying to do? His eyes widened when his knife was suddenly torn out of his Eva's hand. Heart pumping, he scrambled to turn and face Kaworu, expecting that knife to be flung at his Eva's throat any second now.

Kaworu was hovering there with his arms folded, glowing and _furious_. "I don't care about Ramiel or any of the others you killed, not when Armisael didn't care about me, but that is _my _child, not Adam's! Mine! So much as_ look_ at any of my little ones again, you bastard spawn of Lilith, and not even Rei's feelings will save you! If I didn't love you I would have killed you for that, but my little ones love me back! They're not selfish monsters like you Lilim, and I won't let you hurt them! Not even you, Shinji!" Kaworu grasped at his chest. "That Eva… an abomination made from Lilith, with the power to hurt my children? I won't let something like that exist. Get out of there, now, or I'll cut it to pieces around you!"

"Something's trying to make Unit 01 eject the entry plug! It's the angel!"

Well, what else did Maya think would be doing that, Misato wondered. Well, theoretically there could be some malfunction, or the Eva could be acting up again, but wasn't it the reasonable assumption that the angel was responsible? But how, when it hadn't touched the Eva the way the last angel had?

It looked like Unit 01 was about to act up again, judging from that roar, and more of the angels were converging on Shinji's position… or rather Kaworu's, as that glowing knife hit the Eva. It was as though Kaworu knew exactly where to hit to bypass the armor… but then again, he'd infiltrated NERV posing as a pilot. Misato should ask what _didn't _he know about NERV and its Evas.

Kaworu scowled. "You may have possessed part of your progenitor, Lilim, but a pathetic, fearful creature like you is no match for a True Successor! Release Shinji or I'll… No, I'll cut you open regardless!" His glow intensified, but this time he called it out in the form of his AT field, the barrier forming in angled shapes that somehow reminded Misato of something…

Ramiel. When this angel was orders of magnitude more powerful than the one Kaji's information called Ramiel.

Her mouth opened to tell Shinji to run, but he'd already been cut off at both knees and all he could do was try to keep the rest of the Eva's frame between that knife and the arm it was working on now.

All she could do was slam her hands down and scream, "Eject the entry plug! Hurry!" Because Unit 01 was a sitting duck and there was no point in Shinji being vaporized along with his Eva.

"No," Gendo overruled her. "Without a pilot, Unit 01's AT field can't be used." Damn Ritsuko! Damn her for destroying the dummy plug clones and forcing him to rely on that useless boy! "We can't afford to lose the Eva." And if Shinji wasn't enough to save Yui, then dying with her was almost too good for him!

Misato knew she should protest, but the cold-hearted bastard was right. Damn it! She wanted to say 'Sorry, Shinji,' but the hypocritical words caught in her throat.

The angel fired and Shinji screamed.

Gendo screamed for "Rei!"

"Another AT field! The Magi are identifying it as the second angel!"

The shield appeared between Shinji and Kaworu, revealing the Eva smoldering on the ground.

A discordant shriek came from Kaworu: was this the language of the angels, or was he too furious at being balked to mimic human speech anymore?

"Rei, bring Unit 01 back to base!" Gendo ordered, leaning forward with his hands flat on his desk, fear and tension in every line of his body.

"I cannot… It is taking all I have to… Ah!" The laser cut off suddenly, and with that bright light gone they could see Rei floating there behind her shield – her own AT field.

She clearly hadn't been expecting to be hit from behind.

Through Rei's communicator, they heard. "Mother of the Lilim… You're the one who gave me this feeling. No, not _you_," Kaworu said as he floated down to stand over Rei. "The Rei who fought Armisael. That Rei might have been _stupid_, but she was more than a tool of the Lilim. She deserves to live on. In you, not just in me." He was breathing hard: was it from effort? Was he getting tired, even with an S2 engine? Misato dared to hope that at least their angel (the hell?!) had managed to wear down SEELE's. Kaworu's words confirmed that regardless of what Ritsuko said, this wasn't the Rei who fought beside Shinji and the others. The one who sacrificed herself for the world. This was just an angel, so Misato could want her dead. Preferably two birds with one stone.

Kaworu, the Twelfth Angel knelt over her as Gendo ordered her to get up. She groaned softly, trying to obey, but even if she was an angel falling ten meters and landing on broken pavement without her AT field raised to protect her left her unable to do much more than draw arms that were scratched and studded with asphalt a little closer to her chest, pushing weakly at the ground.

"Hmm? Oh, so even the Black Seed can't heal, isn't eternal the way we are." Kaworu sounded a little enlightened as he touched her cheek. "I thought the old men had to be lying about how you couldn't have any more children, but if you don't heal any faster than a Lilim from something like this..." The cameras could see his shudder at that thought, but not how he closed his eyes, focusing.

"Rei!"

"Be quiet, old man!" Kaworu ordered the Ikari, snatching the communicator away from Rei with his free hand and tucking it into his pants pocket to get it out of the way.

Rei coughed, getting rid of the dirt that had gotten in her mouth when she landed. "Shinji…"

"He shouldn't be injured: I aimed around the entry plug," Kaworu reassured her. "You're not going to obey the stupid old man anymore, are you?"

She shook her head, although that could easily be no, she was worried about Shinji despite Kaworu's words as well as no, she had no loyalty to humanity. "Shinji…"

Kaworu picked her up. Not with his arms, although he held them out as though he was carrying her. Instead she floated about six inches above them, suspended in his field. "Let's see. Lilim are so fragile."

"I thought you…" Rei still sounded tired, and puzzled.

"I do," Kaworu answered her, "but it was your feeling to start with and I have my children now. Shinji is one of your Lilim, so it makes sense. If one of my children was injured… Why even _have _children if they're doing to die so quickly," he demanded of her. "Your Lilim are all bastards: _my _children are adorable and they love me back."

She shook her head. "I don't remember Lilith at all. I remembered fragments of the second me, but… Thank you for giving me those memories back." Precious memories of Shinji.

"Oh, so you're not Lilith, then. Sorry for blaming you for the Lilim," he told her. "I just thought there wasn't anything about making them in the memories you gave me through Armisael because you didn't want to think about how much of a disappointment those bastards are. Ew." Kaworu wrinkled his nose at the scent of the Eva's burning flesh as he put Rei down.

"Shinji!" Rei ran forward to the entry plug, trying to get at the latch.

It turned and LCL started pouring out when her fingers were still centimeters away. "Or you could just will it open. Didn't your old man teach you how to infiltrate computer systems and locks?" Kaworu wondered. "Of course, they didn't teach me until I was about to come here, since they wanted me to use it on NERV instead of them." Rei ignored him, already inside the entry plug.

When there was no response Kaworu shrugged and took off again, finding the paper-child and grabbing one of its folds to tug it back to where the others were waiting, just in case. Now that his children weren't being attacked anymore it was hard to stay interested in the Lilim, even though the part of him that _was _Lilim knew that he should care, that the Lilim were still a threat to his babies.

_Babies_.

But… SEELE…

_Babies. _

Wonderful children that trilled and coiled around him to welcome him back, and he loved them so much, wanted them so much!

He didn't come back to himself until the N2 mines hit.


	2. Responsibilities

Everything had faded away, everything but the awareness of his children's love and the need to make more. A Seed of the Tree of Life wasn't _meant _to think about anything but this. Was meant to exist only in the now, in the time of generation. His childhood among the Lilim faded from his mind, just as the long, lonely voyage would have faded from Adam's, and he did not think of future threats, just as Adam was kept from realizing that as soon as its work was done, it would be sealed again into dreams. Away from its precious children.

If he hadn't been aware enough that the Lilim would resort to nuclear attack without Evas, if he hadn't shaped his children to absorb and feed on radiation? If it wasn't instinct to shape them to survive in their new environment?

He floated in the center of the new crater, desperately feeling for his children to make sure they were alright, and thinking of how mindless he had become? It made his Lilim body want to throw up. Mindless bliss was still mindlessness. Cogito ergo sum: if he didn't think, then there was no _I. _If he couldn't think of his memories, then how was that any different from not having them?

Kaworu was feeling souls _that he didn't recognize_. He'd created almost ten children while he was in that state, and he hadn't even registered their auras! He didn't remember them, how could they feel loved when he didn't even know or remember them?!

The feeling of failure, that shame and devastation slammed into him, and it was only that pain that let him keep _thinking_. That let his Lilim side stay awake. Maybe because if something was wrong, that meant it wasn't the time to make children? Kaworu didn't know, and he feared thinking about it, because what if thinking about that bliss made him sink into that mindless state again?

He couldn't.

Not when one of his children was damaged, despite being protected by his AT field and those of all her siblings.

"A Black Seed? How did I create a Black Seed without realizing it?" he demanded of himself, clutching at his head. After feeling Rei, how could he possibly have condemned one of his children to her fate? It made sense, in theory: the Black Seeds had to come from somewhere, after all.

He gathered the charred body of this soft white child into his lap, gathered the light of his soul, and paused. This was his child: he wanted to heal it, and yet… Was it kinder to kill it now, before it created a planet full of horrible Lilim that would mistreat it like Rei?

No, he thought, shaking his head, feeling the tears roll down his cheeks. This was _his child_, so he had to heal it. But he couldn't let another one like this be born, and he couldn't let this one have children, ever. That was the only way to keep those children from suffering. He had to stay awake: even if it was the taint of the Black Seed, if he couldn't think and plan then how could he keep his children from suffering the way he had? The Lilim wouldn't stop trying to kill them: he knew that.

He should kill the Lilim first, but 'the Lilim' included Shinji, and they were Rei's children even if they were bastards, and it made his head hurt to think of death. Seeds of Life weren't meant to have anything to do with death, even if it was the central reality of those of the black seed. Kaworu had spent years thinking of death as inevitable, as a blessed release, and now just trying to imagine it made him sick.

Had he really let himself change so much? Would he change into something that was barely 'Kaworu' anymore? What was the difference between becoming nothing but a Seed and becoming nothing but a part of the new God as the old men dreamed?

Well, yes, to be a seed was better because children, but it was still _death_. Loss of the self was death.

This soft, white puffy child already had the potential for death within it because he'd been careless! This child could have died when he was right there, just like Rei! He'd healed the child, but it was still crying because it sensed his distress too, and all he could do now was sing and try not to hate himself too much, or else all his other children would cry for the first time today too… What day was it?

He let his forehead sink into one of his palms, his other arm wrapped around the child. At least he'd only lost a little less than twelve hours: it hadn't taken the Lilim that long to get the bombs together.

Kaworu thought that he could almost thank the Lilim for how efficient they were when it came to things like trying to murder children and other bastardry. At least the others hadn't realized that the bombs were meant to hurt them: the radiation was yummy and even though the blast had sent them flying through the air, their AT fields had protected them from everything but the excitement. It made him smile a little, that the Lilim had failed in that regard, too. This had turned out for the best. One of his children was traumatized, but better traumatized than dead.

This one, two… sixteen. All of them had eyes now, and some of them were looking at the sky, clearly hoping for more N2 mines.

Now that this child was healed, the second order of business, he _thought_ (yes: thinking was the best thing about the black seed) was to reassure the five that had converged on him that he was okay, really. So he nodded to himself and started petting them, a mask of focus on his face. He loved them, yes, but he couldn't afford to get caught up in it again or else his mind would be washed away a second time.

Now that he thought about it, he had made the first children like him enough to be able to think, the gift of the Seed of Wisdom, but what about the others?

Staring at a blue one that was repeatedly running into one of the crater walls so that the impact would send it tumbling back, Kaworu realized that no, clearly he hadn't given all of them the gift of intelligence.

Better fix that. Now.

When he caught that one and sat on it in order to make it hold still to encroach on it, he found that actually, it was fairly bright, bright enough to figure out a way to recreate some of the fun of being hit with dozens of N2 mines. That was a little reassuring, but since they were on a planet full of murderous Lilim, some instinct for self-preservation was clearly in order.

"Also, names," he said, thinking aloud since it was hard to think _and _encroach _and _sing at the same time, and his children liked the sound of his voice. "I'm not going to give you ridiculous angel names." Not like the old men. "Naming you after things I like? I don't think I have this many things I like, though. Not until now." Song, freedom, babies, hot water, and then he began to run out of ideas. "Should I give you Lilim names? You _are _humans, and the Lilim had better admit that, even if they'll probably still try to kill you. Lilim kill other Lilim all the time. I guess I can name you Rei," he told the one in his arms, "Since you're a Black Seed too. And…" Kaworu looked down at the other angel, who was refusing to listen to daddy about not banging into rock walls or deliberately trying to get blown up again, and remembered a certain conversation. This was almost as frustrating as trying to give advice to a Lilim. "I think I'll call you Asuka."

The seawater continued to pour into the bottom of the crater, so Kaworu picked both of them up and moved to higher ground. He pouted, a little disappointed to see that the decapitated angel statue wasn't there anymore. It must have gotten blown up. Pity. It had appealed to him in an ironic way, and now it was where he was when he made his first child.

He was almost out of names again, too. He didn't know that many Lilim, and most of those he knew were either old men or served the old men, and he wasn't going to give names like _that _to his children.

"I wonder what happened to Shinji? I thought Rei was going to look after him, but she couldn't even heal herself," he realized as Asukababy turned into something more eellike and tried to wriggle out of his grasp. Absently pulling her back and inviting her to wrap around his arm, he flew upwards and looked around for the place he'd left Unit 01. "Damn, the Lilim came and got it already. I should have made sure I killed the soul in it. That was a disgusting light even for a Lilim." He grimaced. "I thought the old men must be the most twisted Lilim: even Shinji's father isn't as twisted as Keel and that one. It's weird that two Lilim that twisted made a Lilim like Shinji, isn't it? Although I guess if I can make a Black Seed by accident, two evil Lilim can make a Lilim that's only a bit of a bastard and sometimes nice without meaning to." He nodded to himself. "Oh, I should see if that piano's still there." His children would definitely like piano music.

It took him a second to locate it from the air, and since it was still mostly intact he flew it back, putting it down by the big pale green one, who needed a name. "Will you watch this for me while I see if Shinji is alive, and whether or not the Lilim did anything to the Rei that isn't your sister?" he asked, although he had to encroach enough to share thoughts in order to be sure that the child understood what he was saying. He had downloaded Lilim languages into them along with combat data while he was making sure that all of them were intelligent, but none of them really had any reason to _care _about Lilim languages.

That was a problem, so Kaworu decided to sing a lot as soon as he got back. Hopefully they'd want to understand the songs and that would make them pay attention to what words were.

His child grew a pseudopod that came from around where a tongue would be and wrapped it around him briefly in order to say yes. It made Kaworu smile, since touch was part of love, but he definitely didn't want his children licking Lilim. It wasn't as though children of the white seed could catch anything from the Lilim, they weren't that weak, but still.

Touch was for those you loved: touching people you didn't like or that you even hated was clearly Lilim-level crazy, and he didn't want his children to become crazy like the Lilim.

He was tempted to name this child Piano, to thank it for looking after the piano and because pianos were nice things, but as nice as they were pianos were still _things. _"I met Shinji while I was playing the piano, so you can be Shinji." There, now he just needed to find out if there were any more Lilim that were even a little tolerable. If they were sort of okay despite being born Lilim, that must mean that they would actually be really good people if they were any other kind of being, he thought. "There are billions of Lilim, so I should be able to find thirteen more who are worth using their names. Right?"

Kaworu took a few minutes more to check over the rest of the babies, since the Lilim had probably done whatever they were going to do to Rei and Shinji already so it wasn't like it was urgent, before he started to fly over towards the geofront. He thought about leaving Rei and Asuka behind, but Rei was fragile and Asuka, who had tied herself in a knot around his ankles, was clearly silly, so they were probably safer with him. Even if Kaworu _was _planning to go among Lilim.

He paused. "I'm not going to be setting a bad example, am I? I don't want them to think that Lilim are _safe._ You shouldn't try to make friends with Lilim," he told Rei and Asuka, just in case they were listening. "They're nasty, dangerous bastards that would much rather hit people than hug them. I'm only going to take you anywhere near Lilim because otherwise I'm worried the Lilim might kill you while I'm gone. They killed all of your… I guess they're your aunts and uncles. If a Lilim is made from another Lilim, they call the Lilim they're made from the parent, so Lilim that were made by the Lilim that made that Lilim are aunts and uncles. So since I was made from Adam, and you were made from me, and the other angels were also made from Adam, even if they didn't have the same soul as Adam the way I do and the Lilim all have the same soul as the other Lilim, I guess they're your aunts and uncles. They were, I mean. I have no idea what Rei is."

When his daughter made a thrumming noise at the sound of her name, he corrected himself, saying, "You're my daughter, so I know who you are. I mean the other Rei. I don't remember Adam and she doesn't remember Lilith. According to the stupid prophecies, Adam and Lilith were made by the same people. So if that's true, that would make us… cousins, since I'm made from Adam and she's made from Lilith. But all the stuff about instrumentality in the prophecies is nothing but garbage. The Lilim are just deluding themselves. So who knows what else in there is nonsense? I guess they were right about the number of angels, but just because a Lilim sensed the others and then the old men made me so that the facts would fit the prophecy doesn't mean the rest of it isn't just some Lilim being crazy. I guess they were right about our instincts, but that might just have been race memory. Even the old men think it may be race memory, 'remembering' that it's their destiny to become gods." He snorted. "Adam and Lilith came to this planet in ancient times, so there have to be other planets, right? Maybe we could go there. Maybe there'll be other angels that aren't Lilim there, so you can have more friends without me making more children and losing my mind again." That was a nice thought, his children meeting people that were like Shinji except for the bastard Lilim part and being loved.

"Oh, I should figure out how to heat up water with my AT field. It shouldn't be too hard now that I inherited Ramiel's memory of how to make a laser." Focused reflection of the energy from its S2 engine. "If I have music and hot water where you are, you shouldn't wander off, right? It's not like the Lilim have anything else worthwhile. I understand why the old men wanted to stop being Lilim, but they're still bastards who don't deserve immortality." Not like his precious ba-

Kaworu froze, breaking himself out of that train of thought. No, no matter how cute Rei and Asuka were, with Rei's puffy body and Asuka deciding to grow teeth and see if she could gnaw through the AT field he was keeping six inches away from his skin in order to get at the outside world…

No, curse it onto the seventh generation. He was trying to _not _think about how they were cute.

Right, he should get over there and try to talk to the Lilim, he though, pushing back his hair. That would keep him from entering a dangerously good mood.

* * *

He was expecting to be met with armed guards, missiles, the sort of thing in the training simulations, even though that would be absolutely useless. Instead he made it all the way to the gates to NERV to find them locked shut, the area empty of even the guards that were normally here, according to the patrol schedules SEELE gave him, among other things. They were testing whether he could download data after he'd inherited the memories of the angel that attacked the Magi.

"I suppose this is less wasteful of Lilim lives, but do they really think this will stop me?" Kaworu wondered. "Ah! I wonder if my ID card still works." Stepping lightly on the ground, he looked down at Asukababy. "I need my legs now. Come up here." When he reached down she was happy enough to crawl up his arm, pleased that her progenitor was paying attention to her.

Kaworu ran his ID card through the reader and shrugged when he was rejected. He gave the ID card reader a look. "They only retracted my access just now. Well, that means they're watching the cameras." If they were really caught off-guard by an angel's arrival, he would have lost all respect for them. Not that he had much to begin with. "I wonder what I'll find on the other side? Will it be empty in order to unnerve me, or let me go far enough that they think they can trap me somehow, like by using the self-destruct, or will they have the guards they don't care about on the other side, or will they have closed all the blast doors and flooded the accessways with Bakelite? And the answer is…" With another glance at the reader, the door opened for them. Or at least it tried to, but it was stuck firmly in place.

Kaworu smiled. "Number three."

NERV used a version of Bakelite because it was non-conductive and heat-resistant, making it difficult to bore through. Yes, Ramiel could have done it faster if it used the laser to supplement its drill, but it was more worried about the Evas than about how long it took. And Ramiel had been right in that. Just not strong enough.

"I wonder what they're trying to delay me for?" Kaworu wondered as he melted the metal of the blast door and wondered what exactly he should do about the Bakelite. Iruel had done some stuff with chemical composition before she attacked the Magi: he rested his hand on the surface of the Bakelite and tried to think about eating through it. "I mean, I know that SEELE is going to try to kill me. As soon as they realize I'm not going to cause Third Impact, anyway… And I said that out loud, didn't I. In front of NERV's cameras, which means they'll find out soon that I would never make them gods even if it wouldn't kill me." He sighed. "So now they just have to wait for SEELE's assassins to get here. They'll probably try to capture one of you, so they can use you to cause Third Impact the way they wanted to use me." So he needed to keep an eye on the lights of his children, so he could get back to them in time.

"I wonder how they're planning to kill me, anyway? I know that they were certain that it would work. I should be scared, shouldn't I? I mean, I was scared before, that _they _would get to kill me, those damn old men. They wanted to control even the moment and manner of my death, by sending me here… Now that I'm thinking more like a Seed of Life, I guess it's hard to seriously think that I'm going to die. It felt so certain before, and now it doesn't feel like that's something that can happen." He tilted his head to the side, feeling his body adapt and the Bakelite around his hand start to smoke. "That which does not know death… That's just my soul, though. It's easy for _me _to cease to be, even while this soul exists. Even while this body does. I wonder if that happens to Lilim too? If they can forget who they are, no longer be the same person at all? Probably, even if they are supposed to think. I guess that's why Lilim exist, it's not like there's anything else that makes them worth having." He looked down at Rei. "I really can't let you have children, since they'll be like the Lilim and then they'll die and you'll be sad. If they don't break your heart and kill you first," he said bitterly, pushing his hand in.

"This is taking too long… Iruel changed part of herself into bacteria that ate what she wanted to get rid of, and then made more of them…" the smoking area expanded out from Kaworu's hand. "There," he said, smirking as he withdrew his hand and kissed Rei between her three red eyes. "This will still take forever, though. Let's see if there's a faster way in, and if not I'll go back and play the piano for all of you."

He started to glow again, pushing against the ground in order to levitate over the entrance to NERV and the geofront. "Let's see if there's anything in those blueprints…"

There wasn't anything that really appealed. The material of the geofront was meant to survive reentry, so if he used a laser most of the energy would be refracted away uselessly. Maybe Ramiel had the right idea, growing a drill, but that sounded like far too much work for Kaworu's taste. "I don't care about Shinji _that _much," he decided, "Not now that I have you. And if Rei's stupid enough to throw her life away a second time," it wasn't as though she couldn't have shielded herself from the self-destruct, "then she deserves whatever she lets them do to her." He nodded. "Let's go play the piano."

* * *

The sun had sunk under the horizon and it was almost full dark by the time more Evas arrived.

Kaworu _wanted _to tear them apart, especially after sensing that they contained clones of him, meaning the other old men intended to do to him what Gendo Ikari did to Rei, but they contained _clones of him_. That shone with the reflected light of his soul.

He should have torn them apart instead of encroaching on one of them to see if he could control them and send them back to attack the old men. Either that or use them to speed up the process of breaking into NERV by having them go hack at the geofront or something.

Instead, he made contact with that empty vessel. When he was thinking like a Lilim, perhaps he could have just controlled it, used it as an expendable pawn the way the old men used everyone, but now?

They were babies waiting to happen, babies that needed souls and he came back to himself only when there was a light in his palms and no empty vessel left to put it in.

"Shit," he said, even though there wasn't any real chance that the old men could read his lips and be shocked, and made the little soul a little body to start with anyway, since he'd already gathered all that light. "I did it again…" It wasn't that he minded more babies, he thought, looking at the birdlike, dragonlike (if Kaworu had ever been told of dinosaurs, he would have pegged them as raptors) former Evas that surrounded him.

He just didn't want to lose himself in them. "Because that is no different from _death_ and I am not supposed to _die," _he told himself, just in case it helped that part of him understand. "Well, I guess I should go check on the geofront."

Kaworu stared at the solidified Bakelite that was pouring out the door he'd melted open last time. "…They poured more in again after my bacteria ate away the Bakelite blocking the vents, didn't they." He sighed. "Well, I guess it's these Lilim's jobs to be annoying." He turned around and looked thoughtfully at Tokyo-3. "The high school is supposed to have a music room, maybe I can find a violin." His bacteria were still growing and spreading: they'd run out of Bakelite eventually, right?

Oh, "And now I need more names," he grumbled as he flew back.

* * *

_If you noticed, in the last chapter Kaworu picked up Rei's communicator, put it in his pocket and then zoned out and forgot all about it. The batteries haven't run out yet._

_It's interesting that seeds normally need to be lanced and put into stasis lock when in theory they're human and thus intelligent enough not to do dumb things like create life while they're in space and there's no oxygen for it, etc. Since they're products of a panspermia project, it makes sense that they'd have a drive to create life, but really? They need to be resealed after spawning instead of allowed to live among their kids? Well, yes, since Seeds are basically gods having them around might screw up the new race if they're too controlling or something (think about, oh, almost every god in mythology), but still. They seem to be designed to wake up long enough to breed and then be put back to sleep. _

_Neither Rei nor Kaworu ever get fertile feet or really start acting like terraformers (possible exception Kaworu in the new movie and what he wants to do) – it's likely that the Lilim bodies, with completely different drives, have a lot to do with this. Thinking about it, it's likely that since angels are that close to humans, the sex drive got mapped to the creation drive in seeds. _

_As much as I dislike how _Nobody Dies _handles Kaworu, the 'Babies' thing is awesome._


	3. Others

He was almost afraid to go to sleep, afraid that he might never wake up as himself again. Become a mindless thing, become like Adam must have been. "The old men saw me as a tool. I thought that becoming like a proper Seed of Life would give me power, but aren't the Seeds just tools themselves? Created to create new worlds full of life, and then be sealed away again, go back to sleep instead of staying with their children." Kaworu sighed, lying back on Shinjibaby, who was large and warm. As well as much more sensible and thus willing to touch than the Lilim Shinji.

Watching Asukababy play with some of the others made him smile, but that smile soon faded to be replaced by worry. "I'm finally no longer alone. I don't want you to end up like Armisael, so lonely without me. You won't try to reach me if it comes to that, right? You'll live and be happy? I want you to promise me that… but you're not old enough to understand anything, so how can you know that about yourselves?" He shook his head, frowning, red eyes worried. "I wonder what will happen if I go under and don't wake up? At least I haven't created life that isn't sentient and can't defend itself yet."

Well, what he should really worry about were "I wonder what the old men are going to try next, and I wonder why they haven't sent Rei to attack me again? Unless she let the Lilim kill her, or she already ran away." He pouted. "She could at least have said hello when she was leaving… but maybe she did try to, and it was while I wasn't myself. She must have thought I was as rude as the Lilim, if I didn't answer her or pay attention to her at all because I couldn't think about anything but creating. Well, she is a Seed, so she should have understood what was happening right? Wait, she's a Black Seed! I wonder if she knows any way to keep thinking. If it's in the programming, I already have black programming from my Lilim genes, so maybe I could copy Rei's black seed programming, if Lilith had something that let her think?" Rolling over to look at the Geofront, he thought, "Maybe that's why they haven't sent her out: it would be as hard for her to get out through all that Bakelite as it is for me to get in. So they might be holding her in reserve, for when I 'attack.'" He snorted: like he'd want to breach Terminal Dogma. "I wonder if they'll try to reprogram Kyoko to let Shinji pilot her. Um… Kyoko… I guess she does love Asuka, so maybe that's an okay name? Even if she was a bastard to me."

No, he thought, shaking his head. "I can't name a child after someone like that. Shinji's a selfish bastard who doesn't care about my feelings at all, but he never made up excuses to cut me."

Kaworu realized that his eyes were wet only when he felt a tear rolling down his cheek. "I hope I didn't hurt Shinji. Even if he didn't want to be my friend at all. What if he needed to be healed, and I couldn't hear Rei when she asked?" If the Lilim let her ask. "If he died? And Lilim die so easily." If Kaworu killed him? "It was originally Rei's feeling, not mine, but I do love him. Even if I love you most because you love me back." His precious children. "I guess I could try hacking the Magi to see if he's still alive, but if Iruel couldn't do it, I don't think I can. Well, maybe. She was older, and more of a proper angel, but I can think like a Lilim. Kind of." He made a face. "Lilim are so weird, and Shinji calls _me _the weird one."

Rei trilled, and he pushed at her. She rolled over twice before she wobbled to a stop, and he frowned. "Don't you want any arms and legs or anything? You have eyes, but all my other children have hands or something that will let them move now, while you still look like you're wrapped in too many sheets. Is it that you don't want them or that you can't grow your own? Or will you just be slow to develop since you can't evolve the way we can?" He leaned over to tug her back to his side and then thumped back down on Shinji. "I need to find the other Rei so I can try to understand her design. Giving you a Lilim form would be better than nothing. You could play with the others then, don't you want that?"

Rei just trilled again, and he smiled, that his daughter was happy to stay with him. Even so, "You should get to play, and I want you to learn how to make music. I'll figure something out for the ones who don't want to grow hands." He frowned. "You all need to learn how to think. I know it isn't normal for your brothers and sisters, but without thinking, how can you know who you are? I don't want them to end up like Armisael and Arael, pushed around by their instincts and hurting people, so I need to force them to use the gift of the black seed."

Exactly how was he doing to do that, though?

It worried him, but he eventually managed to fall asleep, curled up on Shinji with Rei and two of the other children.

* * *

The sun was already high in the sky when he was woken up by the explosions.

They shocked him awake, and he flew upward quickly in order to see what was going on. It was somewhat puzzling that it was the Japanese army, not the UN army, but his children all had their AT fields up so they should be alright. Asuka and several of the others were running towards where the explosions were, trying to get hit by rockets, but although it made Kaworu sigh he supposed it was alright.

The floaty-paper child that had wandered off… the day before yesterday now was sitting on top of a tank. The seed sighed again, and rubbed his eyes, before he floated over to grab it again and pull it back to the others. When he landed on top of the tank with it, he grabbed it and pointed at the Lilim with guns that surrounded them. "You see those? Those are Lilim. Lil-lim. They're made by Lilith instead of by me and they're a bunch of bastards. Stay away from the Lilim: I know they're weak but they're _mean _and they'll try to break your heart and kill you. No going anywhere near the Lilim… Are you even listening to me?" Kaworu sighed as the child continued to feel the surface of the tank. "It's not like they can kill you if you stay here, but I can't have you thinking that Lilim are friendly." What if one of his children didn't raise their AT field in time and was hurt, the way Rei was? "I don't mind you exploring, it was fun to explore Tokyo-3, but you have to _stay away from the Lilim_." Kaworu gave up and just pulled the child off the tank. Or tried to, but the child didn't let go and the tank rose almost a meter up in the air before Kaworu realized that and frowned at the child. "_Drop it."_

Seeing that he was so cross, the child flinched and the tank crashed to the ground. Kaworu instantly felt an emotion he figured was probably remorse. "Don't worry, I'm not mad," he hurried to tell the child, petting the folds as they hurried to wrap around him. "I don't want to start acting like my minders… Well, as long as I don't cut you up or stick you in tubes I'll be better than them, but it would still be really pathetic to only be a little better than those Lilim, when _I _love you." His children… No, no, must not think about that too much.

Well, at least the worrying was effective at keeping him from getting caught up in that happiness. "Now come back with me and… what does that one think he's doing?"

Oh.

Oh _shit_.

Kaworu was over there in half a second, desperately hoping that he could fix the Lilim that one of the Eva-babies had just squished, trying to pick it up, because otherwise he would have to explain death to them and Kaworu really, really didn't want to do that. Not when death was _wrong_ and to tell one of his babies that they had _caused _death?

At least it was only the Lilim's legs and lower torso that got pulverized, not the brain, and the scream had instantly alerted the child that it had done something wrong.

Which… resulted in the Lilim being dropped instantly, so Kaworu had to grab it on the way down which didn't help, but at least it wasn't dead yet.

It was easy to shut off the Lilim's pain to make it stop screaming: Armisael had done that to him and Rei, otherwise having huge tendrils crawling through their bodies would have hurt a lot.

Or at least making it shut up was the idea. "Stop screaming, it shouldn't hurt anymore." Kaworu wrinkled his nose at the smell. "You need a shower, Lilim." At least fixing it was fairly straightforward after encroaching on it. Just reading the genes, and then it was like healing himself or baby Rei. "Phew. Alright." He picked the Lilim up again by the back of its jacket and flew up to shake it in the child's face. "Don't touch the Lilim! They barely have any souls, so the light of their soul isn't strong enough to make a shield! And black spawn can't heal themselves right, either!"

The Evachild leaned forward, trying to nose at the Lilim apologetically. Kaworu jerked it back. "What did I just say?! …I'm sorry." He'd hurt one of his children's feelings by getting it angry at it again. "But Lilim don't make good playmates. You'll get hurt. Go play with my other children." He pointed. "Go. No, I'm not mad at you," he said to the pitiful eyes. "I just need to make the Lilim back off and stop crowding you so you have room to play. Give me a few minutes and I'll sing, just for you." He hoped the child would like that.

There, he thought when the child started to move away slowly, reptilian head glancing at Kaworu. "What are all you Lilim doing here, anyway?" he asked the one he was still carrying, but its eyes were glazed over and it didn't seem to be in any condition to respond. "What's the point of being spawn of the black seed if you don't think?" Kaworu wondered, flying back over to the other Lilim. They were holding their fire: the soldiers the old men had train him in how to defend himself against Lilim without raising his AT field and giving himself away said that using another Lilim as a shield was a good idea, although Lilim being Lilim they might shoot anyway. "Shouldn't they know that they can't hurt me or my children with those guns?" He sighed. "Is Kyoko really being that difficult, that they'd throw the lives of other Lilim away instead of sending her to attack me? Not that it would do any good, unless Asuka opens her heart to the Eva…" he muttered to himself as he looked over the assembled Lilim, trying to find someone in charge or someone who looked sort of responsible, anyway, to throw this Lilim at.

Maybe he should blast a ditch in the ground or something and tell the Lilim to stay on their side of it, and he'd keep his children on their side.

* * *

Kaworu stared at the Geofront. "The other Lilim are invading NERV? _Why_? Did they find out that the old men want to cause Third Impact?"

Even if Rei had her AT field, Shinji would be in danger if he was still alive, so Kaworu felt that tightness in his chest again. It made him drop down and fly in through the path his bacteria opened, going over the heads of the Lilim since it was too much bother to push them out of the way.

Kaworu was disappointed when he reached the control room and found Katsuragi there with more Lilim in JSDF uniforms. "I thought they were attacking you to stop Third Impact," he said, hovering up to land on the edge of the platform. "Where are Rei and Shinji?"

It took Katsuragi a moment to decide not to waste her ammo, but she still pointed her gun in Kaworu's direction, pointing for him to _look behind him_, idiot.

Instead of showing the area around the Geofront, the room's display was showing what had to be the inside of Terminal Dogma – the white puffy body looked enough like Reibaby for Kaworu to wonder if that was what adult Seeds of Wisdom looked like.

NERV's old man was standing there shouting up at the ceiling, but "Why are Shinji and Dr. Akagi sleeping in Terminal Dogma?" Even for Lilim, that was stupid. "You Lilim _are _angels: you know you shouldn't let angels so close to the bodies of the seeds, right? Even if you used their bodies to make your Evas, it's still dangerous."

Misato glared at him: she'd found _that _much out a long time ago. "Shinji is dead. After Ritsuko confirmed that Unit 01 couldn't be salvaged, Commander Ikari self-destructed Unit 02, brought Shinji and Rei down there and shot Shinji."

It was Ritsuko that alerted Misato, before following him down there and making Gendo shoot her too. "He's trying to make Rei cause Third Impact: he seems to think that it will bring his wife back from the dead." She obviously hadn't done it yet, but her AT field was still walling them out of Terminal Dogma.

Kaworu stared at her: this boggled his mind. "…You Lilim all use the same soul. It's possible that the angel Lilim would contain the souls of all the dead Lilim if it was made whole by Instrumentality, but any of those personalities remaining intact enough to think? And to choose to come back?" He shook his head. "Lilim wouldn't be any of you, no more than Shinji is like the old men. And the old men are certain that none of you would choose to come back to life, not when your lives are pathetic, painful and you die so easily."

Wait. "Shinji's… dead?" Kaworu's hands lifted slowly, trembling, to grasp at his head, feeling as though his head was trying to shake apart. He used to think of death all the time because of the old men and their obsession with it. It was still disconcerting that it was so hard now, that he'd lost part of his ability to understand things like that. Oh no. "If Third Impact happens, my children will be caught up in it," he realized. "What did the old men say about having other angels there… Would that make sure that all you Lilim were overwritten, because you're so weak? Or maybe it would work: Gendo Ikari is one of the old men who set off Second Impact, so wouldn't he know?" He looked back at Misato. "What did the old men say?"

"You mean SEELE?"

Kaworu nodded. "Yes, the old men." Maybe they would be good for something for once… "Shinji's dead?"

"He's not breathing," Misato said, glaring at him. "_Humans _die if they're shot." Kaworu wouldn't, and that was one of the only two reasons she wasn't shooting the angel in the head right this damn instant.

"No they don't. Only you _Lilim _do," was his response. "Because you only have fragments of a soul and they're pathetically weak." Weak. Helpless. "Before, he collapsed from breathing too _much, _but he was fine afterwards…" He glanced at the screen again, at Shinji's body, then glared at Misato. "If this is a trick, if you're working with the old men to trick me into going to Terminal Dogma and giving them godhood, then it won't work. I'm _not _merging with Lilith. I'm not dying and I'm not killing my children!"

He was gone before Misato could respond, and it was only then that it sunk on that the bright patches on his cheeks?

Were tears, reflecting the light of his AT field.

* * *

Old, incapable of having any more children and relatively weak because she was a black seed or not, it would still have taken far too much time for Kaworu to break through the light of her soul. "Rei!" he yelled, standing right up against the barrier after pushing the Lilim out of the way. "Why didn't you come get me?!"

Pressing against the field as he was, he could dash forward when she let it down for an instant. He didn't want any of those Lilim in there with them, either.

Rei crashed into him going the other way, red eyes bright with tears and "Shinji's, Shinji's!"

"Out of my way! Was Shinji so angry when I said that you were a fool because he knew it was true?" That sounded like the kind of opposite-of-sensical way Lilim would react.

Kaworu had been trained in how to kill Lilim, but all that involved was how to damage them enough that the Lilim couldn't heal themselves, even with the life support machines they had for that. There was a difference between wounds a Lilim couldn't heal and wounds a child of the white seed couldn't, so there was still some hope. Right?

Kneeling next to Shinji and wrapping his arms around the Lilim, he felt that love rise up inside of him again. It was necessary to touch Shinji in order to do this, and not wanting him to die was the entire point, but Kaworu kissed those lips because he wanted to.

If Kaworu knew even a little more about the nature of Lilim death, he would have shuddered at the feel of those cold lips. They were different from when he'd kissed Shinji before, but he had no understanding of _how _different, or what any of it meant.

He didn't pause to take stock of how Shinji was wounded, or how severe the damage was, how much blood he'd lost, just poured himself into Shinji's body and started reading it, restoring it to optimum. Maybe he didn't pay attention to the work he was doing because he didn't want to know what he was fixing, how injured Shinji was, instead of because it wouldn't do him any good to know when he didn't really understand any of it.

"His body is alive," Kaworu told Rei but mostly himself, not knowing that 'only mostly dead' would be a far more accurate description than alive. "His, well, Lilim's soul is still in there-" and that was when a bullet came flying not at him but at Shinji.

Kaworu had meant to leave Gendo Ikari alive for now, just in case Kaworu couldn't bring Shinji back on his own. He knew he could encroach on that mind in order to find out what the old man knew about instrumentality and if it really could bring Shinji back.

That was what he meant to do, but then Gendo shot at Shinji again, Kaworu raised his head slowly to look at the Lilim and when his mind cleared there was a broken Lilim body sliding down the wall, leaving blood and the other disgusting things Lilim contained behind it.

Kaworu stared at it: that was Gendo Ikari, right? It had to be: Rei and Shinji were wearing plugsuits, Dr. Akagi was wearing a labcoat and all the Lilim outside Rei's barrier were in combat gear. That body was wearing a suit, so it must be Gendo.

He didn't feel like turning it over, trying to make out what was left of the face in order to make sure, he thought, tightening his grip on… something.

He blinked down at his hand: why was his forearm covered in blood and what was this… thing he had in his hand? Some kind of internal organ? Were they supposed to have eyes? Kaworu shook his hand to get rid of the thing, letting it fall into the LCL, and kept shaking it in order to get rid of the blood as much as he could, because he didn't want to go back to his children all bloody.

Damn, now he'd gotten it on his pants, he realized, looking down.

Unbuttoning the white dress shirt, he landed on the walkway again. Yes, he'd healed Shinji, and then the Lilim tried to kill its own child, which was absolute proof if any more was needed that Lilim were _disgusting _bastards, and, "How is Shinji?" he asked Rei.

"I, I held him when he died: I copied as many of his memories as I could without Gendo realizing what I was doing," Rei said, raising her forearm to her face to wipe away anxious tears as she held Shinji with the other. "He didn't recognize me when he opened his eyes, so I thought it might be like me, when I woke up in this body, and if I could give him the memories he lost back, then he would be Shinji again."

"Is it working?" Kaworu wondered.

"Some of his memories are still in there, so…" Rei shuddered, but it was with relief more than fear as she bent her head, pressing it into Shinji's neck, pale blue hair pressed against brown.

"Good. Even to save Shinji, Instrumentality… I don't want to give the old men what they want." He scowled at the thought.

"I won't, I won't give Gendo back Yui. Ever. Not when he, when he…" Did this.

"Killed his own child." Kaworu narrowed his eyes, scowling, aware of the body behind him but too disgusted by it to want to acknowledge or look at it. "Don't you dare cause Third Impact without giving me enough warning to figure out how to get my children out of range first. Not even for Shinji. If it really does work that way, then it doesn't matter how long it's been as long as there are some Lilim left. But if it doesn't work that way, then you'll obliterate your personality for nothing. The you that remembers Shinji will stop existing again, and I think memories are how the Black Seed's children are supposed to be immortal…" He shook his head, because it wasn't like he really knew what he was talking about. Instead he finished taking off the white shirt and his pants, leaving his orange undershirt because it hadn't gotten blood on it, and went to lean against Rei and Shinji. "Let me make sure I finished fixing his body."

"You went berserk?" Rei asked. He'd seemed berserk.

"I don't know. I don't remember, like I don't remember making most of my children," he confessed, worried. "I wanted to ask you how you exist as a black seed, if there's some way to be a seed and keep thinking, but you don't remember Lilith anyway, right?" He looked unhappy when she shook her head, but he'd thought that was the case. "If I'm not me anymore, then that's the same as dying: the old men didn't understand that. I want to stay me, especially now that I have children."

"What is it like?" Rei wondered, feeling something stir at her chest at the thought.

"It's… I'm trying not to think about it," he told her, shuddering. "No, it's wonderful, but when I think of how wonderful they are then I want _more _and I can't think of anything but making more, and then I stop thinking altogether. Awareness is the gift of the black seed: this body was made with Lilim genes, like yours, so it's probably the only reason I'm aware of _me_."

"Armisael wished to be united with others because she was lonely," Rei remembered. "Your children aren't lonely, are they?"

"I won't let them be," Kaworu promised her. He should go back to them now, he thought, but he still wanted Shinji to wake up, so, "Let's get out of here," he told her. "Away from Lilith's body. I don't want to give the old men time to come up with some sort of trap to force me to merge with it while I'm here anyway." This was far too close to his destiny for his comfort.

Rei's red eyes glanced first at Lilith's massive torso, then at Dr. Akagi and then past Kaworu to where Gendo had long since sunk beneath the LCL. "Agreed." She didn't want to stay where Shinji was shot, either. "But you are a seed, aren't you? An angel is necessary for Third Impact."

Kaworu pointed at Shinji. "Your old man wanted to use his Lilim soul, didn't he? Shinji is still a Lilim."

"Oh. Yes." Rei's hands clutched at Shinji's plug suit. The whole in it was still there, and if she turned Shinji over she was sure she'd see so much blood. She was sitting in Shinji's blood now, wasn't she, and the thought forced her to stand up, wanting to get away from this place.

It was Rei that picked Shinji up, clutching him to her chest and looking down at him with worried red eyes. Why wasn't he waking up? Had she made a mistake when replacing his memories? Would he end up like Asuka, lying there in that bed?

Would they let Rei stay by his side, when they had to know what she was now?

Focusing on Shinji, Rei dropped the barrier keeping the Lilim out without realizing it. The three of them were quickly surrounded by men with guns. Kaworu stood up himself, and shifted a little closer to Rei. "Well?" he asked her.

"What do you mean?" she asked, dismayed by all the masked soldiers pointing their guns at her. And Shinji. She called up her field again, closer to her body this time, in order to keep both of them safe.

"You came back here, and this happened," he reminded her. "On the other hand, it's possible the Lilim might know what to do for another Lilim." For Shinji, who still hadn't opened his eyes. "I'll help you escape if you want to escape, but I'm not staying here. Not in the geofront. It's too close to Lilith, and he," Kaworu tilted his head at the bloodstained wall, "was only one of the old men. They won't give up on causing Third Impact any more than he did when I destroyed the Eva made from Lilith." Containing that other Lilim's soul. "So unless you think Shinji needs me, I'm getting out of here. I need to check on my children. Will you come with me?"

"I think Shinji should stay here," she said after a pause long enough to make Kaworu wish he had just left.

"I'm thinking of going to the moon in case Third Impact happens. I hope that's out of range, anyway. Only one of my children needs oxygen, but I should be able to manage enough for her. I named her after you since she's a black seed too," he told Rei, smiling and pushing back his hair with a hand he didn't notice was still covered in blood wet enough to leave a streak in his untidy hair. "Come visit, and don't let the Lilim kill you." He pushed off from the ground and was out of there before Rei could ask if he had named the child Lilith or Rei.


	4. Friends

The big advantage of the moon was that there weren't any Lilim there.

The big disadvantage was that after he got used to the gravity, not having any Lilim there meant Kaworu found himself getting bored. Yes, he loved his babies, and the part of him that was a seed couldn't conceive of wanting anything but babies except for _more babies¸ _but the Lilim part of him, the part that thought, was hungry for things to think about.

Even now that he had babies, the feeling of love Rei had given him still lingered, turning into a kind of hunger that gnawed at him. He was almost glad it did, since it made it easier not to lose himself in bliss, but wanting things and not having them was still frustrating. He was used to it before, but now everything was perfect except for this... not loneliness, he wasn't lonely, but this craving for a specific type of company.

He decided to copy the angel that fell on the Geofront, because that looked like _fun_. Except he wasn't dumb enough to aim for the geofront, and even though the light of his soul would protect him, he really should dump that inertia before he hit the ground… Actually, he wanted to see how big a crater he'd make. It wasn't like he was very massive, but he should be going pretty fast by that point, right?

When he managed to figure out which way was up again and fly that way (he'd thought he'd just go towards the blue, but the dirt he'd thrown up into the air when he crashed fell back down on him), he found that the crater was disappointing. The LIlim had made a much bigger one with their bombs. Frowning, he hoped that wasn't an omen for how this trip would turn out.

Falling let the LIlim see him coming, so there wasn't much chance he could sneak into NERV for a shower, he decided. That was a pity: there wasn't any hot water on the moon. No air, either, so he could only sing for the babies that were touching him.

He was still pouting down at the crater with his hands in his pockets when Lilim in JSDF and UN Forces uniforms arrived. "Well, at least it's better than Sahaquiel's." Falling was how that one had actually attacked, and he had barely managed to dent the ground, although that was because Shinji caught him.

"Kaworu Nagisa? Please come with us."

Red eyes blinked at the Lilim, surprised and a little pleased. Even if it was just SEELE's code for 'the final messenger,' they were calling him by a human name, the one he'd answered to, instead of Tabris? Or worse, Adam. Please, even.

He almost wanted to go with them, just for that, but, "I'm not letting you take me anywhere." Not because Kaworu had ever received any sort of talk about strangers with candy, but because, "How do I know you're not working for the old men? Especially since you're one of the UN soldiers." And the Committee was in theory part of the UN. "I'm not going to let them lure me into a trap and use me to start Third Impact. I just came to find out if Shinji was alright and whether or not you Lilim have murdered Rei yet."

Kaworu wasn't conscious enough of appearances to realize how he looked. The orange shirt, the long-dried blood spots on his pants and the streak in his hair, the moon dust all over him even though he'd shielded himself to keep the dirt he'd crash-landed on from sticking to him… When Kaworu added that, "And a shower would be nice," the soldiers assumed that was the reason.

Actually, Kaworu just liked showers.

* * *

The soldiers let him follow them to their camp (not the geofront, which was sensible of them – he didn't want himself going anywhere near Lilith either) and take a shower, which cemented them in his mind as some of the most considerate Lilim he had ever met. There were even a new shirt and new pants, since his still had blood on them.

Shinji was waiting in the hall when he got out of the shower. Kaworu greeted him with a happy, "Shinji!" because Shinji came to see him. Fortunately, he remembered at the last second that Shinji was weird about contact. Kaworu had felt for himself that love meant wanting to touch someone (he held his babies all the time), but Shinji had only grabbed Kaworu when he was angry.

Shinji didn't love him. Didn't even want to be his friend. It still hurt, so what had been an enthusiastic greeting turned into ducking his head away, looking to the side, hurt. "So did Rei let the Lilim kill her, or did they just stick her in a tube?"

"You knew about the tubes?" Shinji asked, grossed out by the memory of seeing the Reis in that tank and the tubes they stuck the dummy plugs into.

"Yes," Kaworu said, grimacing. "Tubes are where you Lilim put us. I'm never going back into a tube. It's much better to be outside."

"Oh, right. They gave me what they know about how you were brought up, but…"

"But you didn't really care. Not compared to Rei and the other people you care about. So, Rei's dead again," Kaworu said, and wasn't quite surprised that it hurt.

"No, she's not dead. They just had her moved to another UN base, to keep her separated from Lilith and Adam."

"She's not with you, then?" Kaworu was surprised. "She let them take her away from you?"

Shinji looked regretful. "I had to stay here, to pilot. With Asuka still in a coma, they recalibrated Unit 02 for me. She's going to be mad when she wakes up…" At least they hadn't needed to recalibrate it (meaning Asuka couldn't pilot it anymore even if she woke up) for Kaworu, so Shinji piloting her Eva was going to be even worse than an angel piloting it.

"Oh, I forgot that one." Kaworu wasn't worried about it. As long as the soul inside it stayed asleep, he could control it. That was how he'd piloted it in the first place, but he didn't need to be inside it to control it. There was some small chance that the soul would wake up to protect Asuka, but the Lilim didn't register her own child, so why would she care about Shinji. Therefore, "Don't worry, I'm not going to try to destroy it. Just keep it away from me: it was made from Adam's flesh, so I might turn it into a child without meaning to."

"Rei said something like that, that you didn't want to make all those angels?"

"I want my children!" Kaworu said, offended on their behalf. "I only made the first ones on purpose, but I love them all. Even Rei, and she's a Black Seed. That means she's like your Rei, and you Lilim," he told Shinji. "Making worlds full of angels is what seeds are for, though. We're not meant to think, especially white seeds like me. So fulfilling my function can make me stop thinking." He held out his hand to show Shinji. "The old men forced me into this body that they forced Adam to make with Lilim DNA. So the part of me I'm using to do the thinking is like you Lilim. I think that's why I have an I. Myself. It's probably why I can feel things like the love Rei felt for you. It's not like love for children. The love I have for my children is much better. It only hurts because there's so much of it, not all the time."

Not every time he thought of how Shinji didn't want to touch him or be his friend. "Maybe I understand a little why the old men thought that to be a Lilim was nothing but pain. You make children, but they don't have their own souls. They're just pieces of Lilim, and you obviously can't love them at all or you wouldn't do disgusting things like killing them, the way Gendo Ikari tried to kill you. Are you alright?" he asked, finally remembering that. He'd been so relieved to see Shinji alive and seemingly unhurt that in the excitement he'd forgotten why Shinji might not have been okay.

He seemed healthy: he was breathing properly and so on. As far as Kaworu could tell without encroaching on him, anyway, and Shinji would hate that if he didn't even want to touch.

"I'm fine. Rei said that if it weren't for you, I'd be dead." Unless Rei caused Third Impact to save him. Knowing that she'd even considered it made Shinji happy, clearly. "So… thanks."

"I do love you, and part of that is wanting you to live," Kaworu said, looking down at his hands. "I never wanted Third Impact. If it happened, then my mind would be absorbed into the whole. I wouldn't be me anymore, and the whole wouldn't even be like me at all. My power would just be something that would make all those Lilim stronger. I was only made to give the old men what they wanted. I hated that. I even wanted to die, if that was the only way to escape the fate they made me for. What about the old men, anyway? Mine, I mean. I killed yours."

As soon as he thought of it, he dismissed the idea that Shinji had returned the favor. He wouldn't care that much.

"You mean SEELE?" When Kaworu nodded, Shinji said, "Kaji gave Misato a lot of evidence that they were responsible for Second Impact, and it turned out they were planning to use the Evas you turned into angels to cause Third Impact, with your soul, my Eva and me in there." Shinji shuddered at the thought. "So… you may have saved the world. If you'd died instead of making angels and running away, then they would have caught your soul the way the clones caught Rei's and used you that way."

"I…" Kaworu blinked, and realized he should have realized that before. "I was trying not to think of that. As a white seed, I should want to live and be of use to others, but it's just such a disgusting idea. You Lilim aren't the same person despite having the same soul: the old men explained why to me, why they thought you needed to be united and I realized that I was my mind. That these thoughts were me. So if that had happened, _I _would be dead. And they'd be using what was left of me after driving me to seek death, the way they're using Adam's body and soul after raping and destroying my father… Lilim are such bastards, I don't _want _to give you Instrumentality even if it _wouldn't _kill me." He wished one of his children was here, to nose at him with concern and wrap around him. To love him and want him to live.

He wrapped his arms around himself since it was better than nothing.

"Are you okay, Kaworu?" Shinji asked.

Kaworu would have been happy that Shinji was asking, since it sounded more real than the fake Lilim saying 'how are you?' that they asked when they didn't really care. "It's… empty and shaking," he said, trying to describe this emotion and what it did to him. "What they wanted was so wrong, and it still hurts that you said you refused to care for me at all. I thought… since you cared so much that Rei was dead, that you might care enough to miss me… even something like you. And then the old men ordered me to go merge with Lilith and die, and I wanted someone to love so much it hurt, and… If you hadn't refused to love me I might not have my children now, so thank you. The old men probably would have been able to capture and use my soul, since I wanted to be free so much I even would have died for it. If you loved me, then I would have died happily, and then they would have used my soul to kill you." That internal feeling became a physical one, and he shivered. "I'm going… I guess I'm going home now." Home was where people were who wanted you to be happy, yes?

He realized that he had a home now, but even that didn't make him happy enough to make all the empty ache of not being wanted by Shinji go away. He knew that was a good thing, that he shouldn't let himself be so entranced by the idea of a home where children who loved him were to want to turn this planet into a place like that, but he was crying now.

Shinji bit his lip and looked like he wanted to say or do something, but he didn't know what to do. Kaworu knew he _should _know: it was obvious even to Lilim that you held someone if you wanted them to feel better, yes? "If you really cared about my feelings, you'd give me a hug," Kaworu knew. "So don't-"

Shinji sighed, annoyed, and stepped forward.

Kaworu froze.

"Rei explained," Shinji said. "About her feelings and your feelings, so… I thought you were like Rei when I first saw you. I should have realized what that meant." That Kaworu hadn't had friends, that as outgoing as he seemed to be (when it was Shinji) he didn't know what he was doing. Rei had shrunk back and hidden her emotions, afraid to make mistakes. Kaworu had blundered around, which was brave but he did things because of it that were _really weird_. "Normally guys don't hug guys, but it's not like you're a normal guy." Since he was an angel, that should be obvious. "Will you promise to try to stop crying if I hug you?" Instead of trying to continue to cry so Shinji would keep hugging him?

"I can't control it," Kaworu said, even though he wanted to lie and say yes so that Shinji would touch him. "It… happens sometimes, since Armisael encroached on me."

"I guess it's not your fault then," Shinji said, looking slightly annoyed, mostly embarrassed and away from Kaworu. "Just don't encroach on me or anything, okay? Or they won't make-I mean let me do this again."

"…So you're not really doing this even to make Rei happy." Of course it wasn't to make Kaworu happy. "You don't really care about either of our feelings, ignoring Rei to sit with Asuka." Kaworu didn't sniffle. Sniffling was something people with badly-made bodies did. Although his body was made by the old men, it still sprung from the Tree of Life, not the black tree. It certainly was no effort at all to choke out, "How cruel of you, Shinji. You really hate me that much."

He did run. Because Lilim were cruel and dangerous. Getting away from them as fast as possible was just the smart thing to do. He should have run further, but he needed comfort and it would have taken too long to get back to his children. He didn't know if he could hold himself together that long.

* * *

"He's been in that shower long enough to drown himself," although Ritsuko doubted they'd be that lucky. "Couldn't you have shown him somewhere with cameras?"

"We don't _have _cameras in our locker rooms," the UN officer who had lured Kaworu to their base with the offer of hot water responded.

NERV did, but they didn't want the angel there, so Ritsuko didn't mention it. "Well, then you're the ones who will have to send someone in."

"Do we have permission to do that?"

"As long as you can avoid provoking the angel," Misato told him. Sending Shinji to try to influence and interrogate the angel: what was she thinking? Even with a couple weeks of briefings, Shinji couldn't talk his way out of a paper bag. What really annoyed her was how convenient for him the timing of that slip was. Had he even done it on purpose in order to get out of hugging the angel? Misato could sympathize with that, but still, couldn't Shinji ever think of the mission?

This was the second time Misato had watched the angel run off crying because of Shinji, although the first time he'd been running towards Shinji, in the hope of saving his life. Not away, to drown his sorrows in hot water, just sitting there on the floor of the shower cubicle letting it pour over him still fully dressed if not alcohol. A pity they couldn't put some chemical or sedative or something into the water, but after seeing the adaptive capabilities of angels? They couldn't afford to piss this one off, not when Shinji's sync ratio with the uncooperative Unit 02 was abysmally low. The only weapon they had capable of fighting him was Rei, and she was not only sure that he was stronger than she was, if he died then there was the possibility that all the angels he'd made might all attack Earth at once.

Right now, trying to use Shinji to get control over him was their best option, but not if Shinji kept screwing up like this. Kaworu was an angel: with enough time he might be able to fight off the other angel's mind control that made him fall for Shinji. They had to cement those feelings before that happened, take advantage of the angel's only known vulnerability.

When he'd spoken of 'dying happily' because of Shinji? If that was on the table? Killing the White Giant and its new spawn, before all of this could repeat itself?

Then Shinji could damn well lie back and think of Earth.

* * *

"This is my Rei," Kaworu told her proudly, holding up what looked like a cocoon with multiple red eyes.

When Rei stepped forward hesitantly to get a closer look, Kaworu asked, "Do you want to hold her?"

The girl nodded, a very small nod, because something about the child made her want to touch it. Something inside her, the way something inside her wanted to hold Shinji's hand. She found herself looking at Kaworu curiously, almost surprised he would let her hold something so precious.

Why? It wasn't as though she would steal it… but _she wanted to_.

Kaworu enclosed them both in the grey light of his soul after letting her carefully pick up the little Rei. At first, Rei wondered if he had realized that Rei wanted to take the child, but from the suspicious way he looked at the hidden cameras, he was more worried about Lilim storming in to take the child from Rei, since she wasn't as powerful as he was.

"The old men said that white seeds and black seeds weren't supposed to coexist on the same planet," he said, looking at the two of them, "but if white seeds _make _black seeds… I couldn't imagine sending a child away just because of what she was, until she was ready to go on her own. Even if that child was a Lilim." He frowned. "I can only imagine _anything _because I'm partially of the black seed, though, so I could be wrong. Maybe I would force her to leave if I lost myself again. Will you help my Rei if that happens? Promise not to let the Lilim kill you," he said, looking into her eyes with an expression that was determined, yes, but still looked just a little like a pout because of his frustration with her and with the Lilim who could very well want her dead even though she'd died for them.

Rei wasn't certain she could promise that. If they decided they wanted her dead, if all of them treated her with fear and disgust? Even Shinji?

There was a reason she hadn't used her AT field to shield herself from the blast when she destroyed Armisael. She was replaceable, after all, so better for the new Rei to have a chance to be with Shinji than for Shinji to know the truth, that she was an angel who had lied to him all along.

So all she could say was, "I will try," because holding this child, the little one that thrummed in her arms, was making her want to protect and love it. They had asked if she could make more angels, like Kaworu, but every time she tried to reach for that power all she felt was an emptiness inside her where it should be. A need to make children and an inability to fulfill it.

She wanted to ask if she could keep this child, say that she would teach her to be a black seed even though Rei understood very little of what she was, but what would the Lilim do? When the soul and body of a seed were two of the three components of Third Impact, and this child had two of them? Rei, at least, only had one.

In that moment she wanted to go with Kaworu to the moon, but her body couldn't adapt the way those born with the fruit of the tree of life could. She couldn't survive there.

And if she continued to exhibit good behavior and cooperate, maybe she could see Shinji again. She knew they were using that as a carrot, but she _wanted _to see him again. Thinking of him in Tokyo-3 while she was here? Did he still go sit by Asuka's bedside every day? When she missed him so much and Asuka had only been cruel to him while Rei loved him?

"You're crying," Kaworu told her. "It's because the Lilim are keeping you away from Shinji, isn't it?"

Rei nodded, and looked down in order to avoid his gaze. Seeing the child almost made her feel worse, because she didn't want the child to see her cry and be sad.

"He let slip that the Lilim there ordered him to pretend to be my friend." Kaworu clenched his fists, knuckles even whiter. "Lilim… He's just like the rest of them, only caring about my feelings when he can use them against me. I know this, but it still hurts. I wish you never loved him in the first place." Because if she hadn't, Armisael couldn't have given him that emotion. "You understand this pain, don't you? At the thought of not being loved, even by something like him. So I think I know why you're crying," he said, touching his chest. "The old men said that Lilim constantly hurt each other. I want to go away, so the Lilim can't hurt me or my children. But I also want to stay, even though it hurts." Stay for the hope of happiness, even though the ability to think the Lilim 'gifted' him with told him that it was a futile hope, a ridiculous thought. "Come with me: I can breathe for you. I already am breathing for my Rei, since she needs it."

"I can't," Rei told him, feeling both pain and happiness well up inside her at the thought of being offered a home to go to, someone's company and understanding. "I can't survive without my medications. If your children liked me," she hoped they would, "and then I died, wouldn't they be sad."

"None of them understand death," Kaworu told her. "And I don't want them to." So no, he couldn't bring Rei there if that was so. "I have the gift of the black seed: if only I could give you the gift of the white, to adapt and survive." To live. He blinked suddenly, and looked thoughtful. He peered into her eyes curiously. "I want you to live. Touching you sounds like a good idea, but then touching is enjoyable in and of itself. Do I want to kiss you?" he wondered. "I don't think I love you. I sympathize with you, and I want you to come with me so I can make you happy, but it's not making it hard for me to breathe, not like Shinji. Is this still love, do you know?"

She could only shake her head. "I've realized that I never understood love at all." Felt it, for Gendo and Shinji – thank goodness she had started to love Shinji more, that Armisael had mentioned Shinji while trying to convince Rei to join her. If she'd given Kaworu her feelings for Gendo? That pain of love she knew would never be returned? She didn't want Kaworu to be hurt, not when he wanted her to live. "You are kind. I think I love you for that, the way I love Shinji, but I want to be with Shinji more."

Kaworu nodded: yes, that was right: he felt the same irrational longing she did. "Would you feel less of the pain of loneliness if Rei and I stayed with you, for now?"

Her arms tightened around the child: why was Kaworu offering this? Why was it making her shake?

"I remember knowing that no one cared for me at all, especially not Shinji. That no one wanted anything of me except for me to hurry up and die. I can't… It hurt so much I can't stand the thought of anyone else feeling that way," Kaworu realized. "Even if it's dangerous here, I can't abandon you to that." His arms wrapped around her. "This helps," he explained. "My children hold me all the time."

She was struck by a wrenching sensation of envy: how cruel of him to say how wonderful it was, when she couldn't have children of her own. There were Lilith's children, but they didn't care for her any more than Adam's child Armisael cared for Kaworu. "Maybe, maybe you shouldn't stay. I want children: I might take yours."

He pulled back to look at her, surprised. "You want Rei?"

She couldn't meet his eyes.

"She's like you, so… Lilim children have two parents, I think?" From what the old men said, explaining how they'd put Lilim DNA into Adam to make him, how that was sort of like what Lilim did all the time. "So if that's natural for the black seed? I want your help looking after Rei," he told her. "Even your DNA, if it helps her think. So as long as you remember that Rei is still mine, she can be yours too. Is that enough?"

All she could do was give him a small nod. It would have to be enough. It was still more than she could have hoped for.


	5. Parents

Picture after picture of Kaworu and Rei cuddled together. Playing musical instruments together. Playing with the bug larva angel together.

"It looks like they're getting over you," Misato told Shinji, who knew that she was trying to make him jealous.

Honestly, that was more than a little disgusting. Kaworu was a boy, and Rei was made with his mother's DNA. Not to mention that they were both angels. Still, he was jealous. He spent so long trying to connect to Rei, and now Kaworu got to hold her hand like that? Got to reap the benefits of Shinji's effort and heartache?

Rei really did make a good mother, and if they were sharing a child now, then what chance did he have? None with Asuka, who had tried to kill him a second time, after they'd thought she was better, and was now in a padded cell somewhere.

Jealousy… It was wrong of him, but a dark and twisted part of him wanted to get between Rei and Kaworu. Make _them _jealous of each other. Make Rei want to be with him, and Kaworu? He'd killed a kitten, so how was he now so nice to these angels?

* * *

Two pairs of nervous red eyes, surprised that he was here and hoping that he would stay, that he would want to be with them, but anticipating that those hopes would be dashed.

Kaworu pulled away from Rei, smiling at her with a bitter twist to his lips. Jealous? Shinji wished he knew who Kaworu was jealous of, Shinji for the fact Rei must want to spend time with him without Kaworu, or Rei for the fact Shinji cared about her, and would obviously want Kaworu to leave them alone?

He hated that Rei's eyes followed him sadly, but who was she sad for? Kaworu that he had to go or Rei herself, that Kaworu was leaving her even for a few minutes? Still, it was a relief that he wouldn't have to pretend to be civil to Kaworu, much less like him, with Rei there. He didn't want Rei to see through it, to realize that there was this shameful darkness in him.

* * *

"Why would you reject me so thoroughly, why would you be so cruel if you didn't hate me?" was what Kaworu wanted to know.

"I didn't _hate _you" was Shinji's answer, and he knew he hadn't. Not then. "I told you that I didn't want to lose any more people, that I couldn't stand it, and you knew that you were going to die? So weren't you the cruel one, wanting me to suffer even more when you died, too?"

"Perhaps I was being cruel," Kaworu realized, looking down at the thing he called Rei. "I was so caught up in my own pain and loneliness that… I was dying. I knew I was going to die, and I just wanted someone to care. I wanted that person to be you because I love you, and I wanted to experience being loved, even by something like you." Like this? Pale, gentle and sad: he looked like Rei. Holding a child like that?

It would have been nice to hate Kaworu, the way Kaworu thought Shinji hated him. He was weird, he was an angel, Rei liked him: it should have been simple. It would have been nice if it was that simple. Yet Kaworu was so much like Rei. "I went to your room to get away from Rei's death, and then you would have died and it would have been just like Rei all over again."

Instead of denying it, or something, claiming that he hadn't meant to hurt Shinji Kaworu just nodded. "I was the vessel of Rei's memories and emotions then, and memories are the immortality of the Black Seed. Since your Rei lived on in me, then when I died and there was no one to remember me or my memories, the last of her would have died as well." That seemed to make sense at him. "If I hadn't given those memories to the new Rei, then your Rei's love of you would have died with me. Your Rei still lives on inside of me, too," he said, touching his chest, red eyes meeting Shinji's brown. "Does that make you happy?"

That was a weird thing to say, and Shinji wanted to say that he had Rei back, but the clone was really a replacement Rei (like the larva Rei) even if she did have memories of his Rei, but those memories came from inside Kaworu? He didn't like the thought that Kaworu might be just as much Rei as the new Rei was, since that meant the new Rei wasn't very much Rei at all, that the Rei he'd liked was still dead.

Best to think of it as some weird angel thing, and try not to react to how close to him Kaworu was standing now, after carefully putting the larva down on Rei's bed, where she trilled and started rolling around to wrap herself up in the blankets.

Shinji looked back at Kaworu to see him smiling dotingly at the child, even as he stood there in Shinji's personal space. "All Lilim are lonely, aren't they?" Kaworu seemed to realize. "The old men said that was so, and it makes sense. Rei was lonely: that was why she was happy you reached out to her, and it was why you reached out to her in the first place, wasn't it?" Turning to Shinji, he said that, "I made my children so that I wouldn't be lonely anymore. So that I would have people who loved me. You said you didn't want any more loved ones, but that was because you were sick of them dying and leaving, weren't you?

"I'm sharing baby Rei with Rei, so she isn't lonely and it's making her happy, although you would make her happier. So you should have children," Kaworu told him. "My children don't die as easily as Lilim do. I know they'll love you," since Kaworu did? "And that way you will be loved and not alone."

There was so much wrong about that Shinji didn't know where to start, thinking of his own father. Kaworu looked earnest, and maybe he did love the Rei-thing, but Shinji knew he'd make a terrible father and, "Having kids with you? But we're both guys!"

Kaworu didn't seem to have gotten a clue about that since the last time Shinji brought it up with him. "You're a Lilim, how would we… Well, I guess Lilim _can _make children, but it can't be the same thing. Not if your father was willing to kill his own son. _My _children love me," Kaworu said with a combination of happiness, pride because his children were just better and disgust at how messed-up Lilim like Gendo were. "If you loved me back, then that means that my children will love you too, if you make me happy. I'll share them with you, like with Rei," the angel explained. "And even if you shoot them like that old man shot you, they'll be fine." It wouldn't matter if Shinji started acting like a Lilim and trying to kill children, not now that Eva 01 was destroyed. "So you won't lose them ever. You said you were tired of losing the people you cared for, right?"

Kaworu grinned, suddenly grabbing one of Shinji's hands. "I was going to die before, but now I never will. So you won't ever have to worry about losing me." So Shinji's reason for refusing to be his friend was no longer valid. No, clearly Kaworu was the best possible person for Shinji to let into his heart. Not only would he get someone who would never leave him, but who could say no to such wonderful children?

Shinji seemed more nervous than anything, but that was probably just because Lilim were weird. How could he _not _want this? To be loved and wanted and remembered after he was gone?

"Rei and I love you," Kaworu reminded Shinji. "I'll tell her," about this idea. Even a Lilim couldn't possibly turn all of them down, not when Shinji was like Kaworu. He had to want to be loved, had to want someone to want him to live. So that was settled, then.

Shinji was left to go 'tell her _what_' when Kaworu dropped his hand and hurried off, because Kaworu was weird and almost certainly had the wrong idea. As for what that idea was?

Legs almost giving out under him, he managed to catch himself on the edge of the bed, sitting there and wondering what he was doing to do about this, and Kaworu and Ayanami and he was certain to be an absolutely horrible excuse for a father…

Now there was a baby angel trying to crawl up into his lap, trilling happily because there was a lap and it probably associated laps with Kaworu. That segmented body moved in a way that should just be creepy, like a small, stubby worm but was… kind of cute, he guessed?

Rei came into the room, followed by Kaworu. She hurried to Shinji's side, seeming to feel an urgency that Kaworu didn't possess. She'd copied Shinji's memories in order to save them when Gendo tried to kill him, so while Kaworu just thought that no one could refuse love and babies forever and it might even be a good idea to wear Shinji's resistance down slowly so he didn't freak out and do Lilim things, Rei knew that Kaworu was right: Shinji really did want to be loved. So there was a chance this could work.

She had been trained as an Eva pilot and on the battlefield chances should be seized, the way she took Shinji's head in her hands as she almost threw herself onto the bed next to him and kissed him, hard.

Kaworu frowned: he wanted to touch and kiss Shinji too! But Shinji had two sides, so Kaworu could just sit at his other one and look at the things he could touch while Rei possessed his lips.

"Do all ears look this funny?" he wondered, brushing Shinji's hair out of the way and poking at it before some atavistic urge moved him to take Shinji's earlobe in his teeth and tug at it gently, his warm breath making Shinji shiver a little.

Yes: even if Lilim were weird and used their minds to come up with messed-up things, there were definitely good things that could come with thinking.

Like right now he was thinking that he couldn't see very much of Shinji at all, and since clothes were unnecessary things he should tug at Shinji's shirt and ask Rei to, "Help me get this off him."

"Sex?" Rei asked.

As Shinji sputtered, Kaworu looked confused. "Six whats? Six babies?" To convince Shinji to be with them since that way he would be loved a lot? "But I don't think more than one will fit on his lap." Kaworu had that problem.

"No, sex. It's what Lilim do to make babies," Rei explained. "It requires the removal of clothing."

"Oh. Well, if it's anything like the real way to make babies, then it must be a good thing," Kaworu knew. "And if he's naked, then it will be easier to touch and kiss him." So that sounded like a very good idea.

"Touching and kissing are part of sex," Rei knew.

Kaworu smiled at her. "Let's do that, then." What a good idea!

Rei took the little Rei off of Shinji's lap, but Shinji was too stunned to make a break for it. "According to Dr. Akagi, children are not supposed to be present during sex," Rei explained.

That didn't make any sense to Kaworu. "But if it makes children, then wouldn't they just appear during sex anyway?" So why put Rei out of the room?

"It begins the process of making children. The process is not completed for nine months."

"Nine months?!" That horrified Kaworu. Why, if it took that long to make children the real way as well as the Lilim way, he still wouldn't have any yet!

Rei nodded. "I am not capable of having children, and two males are not capable of having children the Lilim way."

"That's good." Kaworu was worried about looking after the ones he already had. Well, if this sex was so different from making babies, if it was a Lilim thing, then it shouldn't bury his mind under instinct. "Let's sex, then."

"It is called 'having sex,'" Rei told him, pulling her shirt up over her head to expose a bra Shinji remembered from that time they'd ended up on the floor with her underwear drawer thrown everywhere.

It was when she started to slide out of her skirt that Shinji made a strangled noise and managed to bolt.

They stared after him.

"The old men kept telling me how crazy Lilim are, and how they ruin their own lives, but…" But Kaworu was still amazed. How could someone turn down something that was sort of like making babies, only with kissing and touching involved?

"Apparently Lilim often do not want sex, and it is wrong to pressure them into it," which was the only reason Rei wasn't going after Shinji. She turned to Kaworu. "I was also told that many men have trouble pleasing their partner. Since I want Shinji to love you too, I will help you practice." She didn't say that although she was given a lecture by Dr. Akagi her own knowledge of sex, while superior to Kaworu's, was entirely theoretical.

Kaworu looked touched and said, "Thank you," as she pushed him down on the bed, straddling him.

* * *

"What exactly did you tell her about sex, Ritsuko?" was what Misato wanted to know, although Rei could be taking control just because even though both of them were virgins, Kaworu knew even less. Still, what mattered was, "Shinji, get back in there."

He blushed, face an incredibly bright red.

"They're both virgins. Do you want Rei to have her first time without you?" With Kaworu instead? "Shinji, you have to think about what you want. Pursue your own goals, of your own will." And like hell sex with Rei wasn't one of those goals. If even this wasn't motivation enough for him to take what he wanted, "And it's a threesome. It's not gay if there's a woman in there," she told him.

That did it. Or maybe it was Rei's contemplative sound: it looked like Kaworu had finally figured out what to do with his fingers down there after around six minutes of mutual fumbling.

"You don't need to watch it that closely," Ritsuko told Misato ten minutes later.

"I have to make sure our last," human, "pilot is safe, don't I?" If only she could have beer on duty. It wasn't as though the sex itself would make Shinji any more mature or Kaworu any less dangerously erratic, but with Rei firmly in control here?

Shinji had no people skills: Misato had despaired of him being able to get the angel under control. She should have considered the potential of the First Child instead.

Rei, after all, was the one raised by Gendo Ikari.

* * *

_Turning into a cat? As I've said, it's weird that Eva has so much fanfiction and yet it's short on a lot of the obligatory kinds of (crack)fic._

_As Rebuild shows, no, the moon is not out of range. Kaworu just doesn't really know what he's doing, aside from the stuff that's instinct and the tactical data the other angels were sharing. _


End file.
